apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
