"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Panties = found
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
