when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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