i'm signing you up for texting rehab
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
