No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
