Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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