I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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