I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
