just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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