and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize