Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
