I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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