I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
