Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize