I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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