She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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