You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
