Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
