It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
