Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
