All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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