How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
