He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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