margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
