Please, let me fuck your mom
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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