I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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