Just fell off a train. Bad.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
