once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
