when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
