plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
