i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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