make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize