oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
