He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize