maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
