i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
