so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
