I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
