i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
