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I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
