Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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