if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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