today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
