I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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