I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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