Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
