Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize