My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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