i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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