the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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