Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
