Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
