last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
