i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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