if you like me you must not know who I am
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
