I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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