I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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