so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
