I just threw up on my dentist
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
