Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize