update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
