True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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