peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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