Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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