Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
