Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just pee around me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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